My not so Masterful Cleanse

When I look back at 2010 I feel like the year tossed me around like a rag doll. The highs were high, but the lows were crushingly low. So to start the new year I've decided to do something I swore I never would. Something that I used to mock people for because it's so masochistic and unnatural ... I'M GOING ON A CLEANSE.

And not just any cleanse, the Master Cleanse! *ooooohhh* *aaaaaaaahhhh*

So the way this breaks down is that for 10 days, essentially, you don't eat. Every morning (or when I wake up) I mix a teaspoon of sea salt into a litre of hot water and drink her down. Over the course of the day I am allowed to drink a "lemonade" made of fresh squeezed lemon juice, organic maple syrup and cayenne pepper. And as a special treat before bed, organic peppermint tea.

I know that you're all salivating like junkyard dogs as you read my sumptuous menu for the next ten days. And I'm with you, this whole thing is absolutely absurd. I love food, I love the way it tastes, the texture, the preparation, hell, I even love grocery shopping.

So why am I doing this? After all the drama of the past year I want to put my best foot forward into this one. Discipline and patience have never been my strong suits but who is to say they cannot be learned; that we can't age like wine, that is become deeper and more complex.

So here we go!

DAY 1

Didn't really feel hungry all day like I expected to, though that might have something to do with the big family dinner the night before (and oh I hit that cheese tray hard!) and the enormous salad I scarfed down at 10 p.m. in a last minute sprint to empty my fridge. All my relatives winced when I told them about the salt water part but it's actually not that bad. If I close my eyes it almost tastes like bullion.

The "lemonade" however is almost cloyingly sweet and I had to chase it down with equal amounts of water. After drinking two litres of the stuff, it's just gross. I also put double the amount of cayenne in my tea today ... whoops! It gave me a bit of a kick that's for sure

I felt a bit headachy all day but otherwise not bad, but then again it's only day one.


DAY 2

Slept terribly with horrible vivid dreams of being robbed by junkies. In my dream I wander around with my empty wallet in my hand repeating "this can't be happening." Then I'm in an open cockpit helicopter trying to steer it through electrical wires and tree branches as it skims over a road crawling with traffic. There I am hauling on a joystick for dear life when I realize that someone else is steering. After I wake I still have the slight headache of the night before.

All the Master Cleanse websites promise that I will be "bursting with energy I never knew I had" after I complete my stint of 10 days without solid food. But the cleanse itself creates an almost paralytic lethargy.

I was feeling alright today until I walked to the library to grab some movies (when you're poor, you do what you have to). And even though it's only a few blocks I was absolutely exhausted when I returned home. I haven't gone to bed at 9:30 since I was in grade school.


DAY 3

Again with the bad dreams, this time it was a work nightmare. Anyone who has worked in food service knows that serving nightmares are highly traumatic. There was so much yelling, chaos, people coming and going without paying, no sections, no manager and then I forgot someone's pizza order!!! Bah, horrible. I keep sleeping longer and longer into the afternoon as well, not good since I have to get back on a "normal" schedule next week when classes restart.

I spent the day puttering around the house but since I've been sitting so much in the last three days (due to lack of energy) my lower back has begun to ache. With determination clenched between my teeth I managed to finally tackle the dishes which have been sitting, stacked, on my counter for four days waiting to be done.

Towards the late afternoon my blood sugar started to dip so I poured myself a pint glass of the Master Cleanse "lemonade." The liquid was so sweet that my tongue felt like it had been stung and I could feel that a fuzzy coating of sugar had coated my teeth.

Now I don't have a sweet tooth to start with. If I'm having an expensive, fancy-dancy meal out on the town (on someone else's dime obviously) when dessert rolls around I will always forgo the tiramisu and port - I'm a cheese plate and whiskey kind of girl.

The idea of drinking nothing but this stupidly sweet nectar for the next week was too much. And waking up every morning feeling like a tubercular invalid when really I'm in the prime of my life wasn't worth it. For what? To lose a few pounds and flush out the toxins from my already healthy and vegetarian diet? I don't THINK SO!

So I poured the rest of my tea down the drain and took myself out to a movie - WITH POPCORN. And as the glorious joyful feeling of being alive returned to me it became clear to me that life is punishing enough without creating false obstacles and hardship for myself. And anything which unnecessarily takes away my joie de vivre for a single day isn't worth it.

In the words of the Beatles; "Life I love you, all is groovy."

Cheers to a beautiful New Year!